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Conflict is exciting. Conflict is energizing. Conflict is a choice.

The word conflict implies hostility, aggression, and active opposition.
We humans enjoy conflict. Admit it. Deepak Chopra, in his new book Peace is the Way, tells us that war is satisfying. Can that be true? Satisfaction implies fulfillment and pleasure. Do we really gain pleasure and fulfillment from war?

For many people, including many world leaders, the answer seems to be an unfortunate yes. A US Marine general recently commented that “… it’s fun to shoot some people.” Observe current leaders on both sides of the Iraqi war or the Palestinian-Israeli conflicts. To me they appear energized and engaged by the conflict. Is the drama of war satisfying? I’m sure leaders regret the loss of life inherent in war-time activities; yet, the power and focused-purpose of prosecuting war seem to overshadow the loss of life and property.

War is not the only conflict swirling around us each day. Turn on daytime television in the US. You’ll see melodramatic conflict in long-running soap operas. Millions watch daily. For more direct and raw conflict, turn on one of the popular daytime “talk” shows; these routinely degenerate into physical confrontation between talk show guests, spurred on by the host and cheering audience. Or how about the so-called reality shows, which routinely pit participants against each other in aggressive winner-take-all situations. These forms of entertainment draw millions of viewers; evidence that conflict is great fun, and also the way to resolve problems.

Before you congratulate yourself for remaining detached or aloof from these aggressive behaviors, examine the conflicts in your daily activities. Do you enjoy complaining about and diminishing your spouse, your boss, your teacher, or your “best” friend? Do you feel energized while lambasting your company’s performance, or your government’s efficiency? Do you criticize, puffed up at feeling superior, without the responsibility for solutions?

Disagreement is an unavoidable result of our human diversity. When freedom of choice and the power of imagination combine with the energy of intention human desires are bound to clash. The issue is in how we resolve disagreement—destructively through conflict or constructively through negotiation and compromise.

Our culture promotes and validates destructive conflict resolution; I win by causing you to lose. One side of an issue, whether between individuals, groups, cities, or nations, works to defeat the other side—one wins, the other loses. We resolve through verbal, physical, or political domination—through aggressive and hostile behaviors.

But there are other ways to resolve conflict. Positive conflict resolution strives to find a way for each side of an issue to win. Win-win is only possible, though, when both sides intend to find a solution that does not dominate, does not denigrate, and does not intimidate. A win-win philosophy harbors no thought of violence or domination. A good way to visualize constructive conflict resolution is the process sometimes used by two friends dividing up a single cookie. One person cuts it; the other person selects her half.

We must avoid getting caught up in what is right and what is wrong. Conflict has nothing to do with right and wrong, which are only relative and perceptive judgments—fluid and ever changing. Remember that each side in every conflict believes it is right and the opponent is the aggressor—even a pre-emptive attack is justified as a defense against an aggressor planning attack. Each act of aggression is justified in the eyes of the aggressor as a defense. Each side believing it is right is as true in war between nations as in an argument between spouses.

Is conflict between humans inevitable? History might say yes, but that is only because we are conditioned to aggressive problem resolution. Disagreement is inevitable. How we resolve disagreement is choice. When we resolve disagreement with conflict—with hostile and aggressive behavior—we forget that we are all one magnificent soul. In reality, we are attacking ourselves. Conflict is our choice.

Jerry