Purposeful Growth

I heard Lee Ann Womack’s song, “I Hope You Dance” the other day and started thinking about the things we don’t do because of fear. Personally, I don’t dance because of fear. I think I look foolish and clumsy when I dance. So, fearing ridicule and rejection I don’t dance—unless I do, which can happen whenever music moves me AND I’m alone or with my wife. I find it interesting that I feel great when I burst into spontaneous dance as a joyous celebration of life. But feeling safe is more important, or has been, so I avoid the risk of ridicule and rejection and I don’t often dance. I’m missing some of the joy of life. What joys are you missing?

What do you avoid because of fear? Who would you be if you weren’t afraid? Are life’s joys passing you by because of fear? Is the fear so great that you’re avoiding being who you really wish to be, who your soul cries out for you to be? Who would you be if you weren’t afraid?

Isn’t fear powerful? Look at the grip it has on us, controlling us, dominating us, quelling our dearest dreams. Perhaps we should be more afraid of ending this lifetime without realizing our soul’s desires, without experiencing the joys of being who we really are as expressed by our highest self.

Let’s examine fear a little closer. Fear is a result of thinking that an event which may happen will have consequences not to our liking. Many things we fear never even materialize, so the worry and anxiety, in many cases, is all for naught. As Mark Twain said, “I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.” Thinking about something is just like experiencing it, so the event which we fear we actually bring to ourselves, if not in reality, then in our mental experience.

How about some of the consequences which might result from actions we fear taking? For example, what if someone laughs when I dance? Well, how I respond to that depends entirely on me. I can choose to experience the laughter as an expression of joy at my joy, or as ridicule. I can experience ridicule as earned because of my foolish behavior or undeserved, and therefore discount it as a foolish reaction from others. I can show approval for ridicule by feeling ridiculed, or I can reject it and show my disapproval of insensitive behavior. Remember, feelings are internal—no one can make me feel a certain way. I choose my feelings, though this is generally a subconscious choice.

Isn’t it time we start doing what we feel is right for us, despite how we think others may react? Isn’t it time we establish higher standards for ourselves and model this behavior for others by being and doing what serves who we are? Isn’t it time we enjoy what life has to offer? Now, I’m not talking about doing harm to others here. I’m talking about being true to our highest selves, without fear for the responses our choices may bring from others.

Each human being strives to be happy. Only our needs for survival and safety are stronger. Since most of us able to receive this article have sufficient food, clothing, and shelter, it’s safe to say that we’re spending much of our time and energy seeking happiness.

Consider these four keys to increased happiness.

1. Examine your fundamental belief about happiness. Do you expect to be happy? I once overheard two young people talking. One young man said to the other, “I never expect anything good to happen, that way I’m never disappointed.”

This young person traded his hopes of happy life events for the certainty of avoiding disappointment. Listen to the lunch table talk of those around you-perhaps even your own talk-do you hear expectations of happiness? 

There is much social research-as well as spiritual teaching-supporting the theory that we get what we expect. Expect to be happy and you will be. Expect to be unhappy and that, too, will come to you.

So the first key to your happiness is that you must believe that happiness is possible for you. If this is too difficult a belief based on where you are now, then accept that happiness is coming soon. You must begin your quest for happiness with a positive foundation. At the very least, make a bargain with yourself. For thirty days, allow
yourself to believe happiness is not only possible, but on the way. You have nothing to lose, so give it a try.

2. Find three things to appreciate at the start and end of each day. This second key to happiness is all about recognizing that which you already have. Even the dreariest of days and the most onerous life circumstances have some positive aspects. Start your day by finding three things to
appreciate. This can be as basic as appreciating that you woke up to another day and you’re alive. Appreciate the weather, not just a sunny day, but also a cloudy day. See the beauty in a rain or

snow storm. Appreciate your job if you have one, even if you dislike it. Appreciate your car,
even if it’s a clunker. Find three things for which you can summon up an appreciative mood. 

At the end of the day, repeat this process. This time focus your appreciation on three events of the day. Something good must have happened to you today-after all, you’re still alive. Appreciate something new you learned today, even if it was that you can survive a dressing down by an irate
customer. Appreciate the welcome you received from your spouse, child, or pet, the safety of your home, or that you have food for dinner.

3. Accept, change, or separate from that which prevents your happiness. Don’t dwell on the sources of unhappiness in your life, but do notice them. The third key is to make the conscious decision to do one of the only three things you
can ever do to change a source of unhappiness-fully accept it, work to change it, or separate from it. These are your choices unless you really don’t want a change-the choice to remain unhappy so you can feel the victim is also available. Many people choose this one.

Fully accepting something means embracing it as your own-choosing it. It doesn’t mean whining or complaining about it. It doesn’t mean pretending it isn’t there. It means accepting it as part of your life. If that isn’t feasible for you, then…

Work to change it. If your source of unhappiness is a lousy job-something you just can’t contemplate continuing for more than a few months-consider how you might change it.

 Do you have any room within this job to change some aspect of what you do or how you go about doing the job? Are there problems outside your responsibility that interest you? Ask your boss if you can take on a problem in addition to your regular responsibilities. Few bosses will begrudge you taking on more work. Perhaps you can gradually shift your responsibilities to things that are more interesting and better aligned to your abilities. If you can see no possible way to change your situation, then…

Decide to separate yourself from the source of unhappiness. Life is too short to continue in a situation that you can’t accept and you can’t change. So leave it. Even in this poor
economy with many people out of work, there are still jobs available. Start looking-unless you prefer to keep things just as they are and complain. Be honest with yourself about this. Some people really do prefer to complain than to correct.

4. Focus on that which makes you happy. The fourth key is to consciously control your thinking so that you focus all your thoughts, all your energy, and all your time on things that
make you happy. Simply decide to reside within the positive areas of your life. This may initially impress you as “sticking-your-head-in-the-sand,”-but it’s not. Life surrounds us with diverse experiences. We can choose those to which we give our attention. Does it make you happy or
unhappy when your lunch crowd starts whining and complaining? Steer the conversation to something more positive. Or mentally distance yourself and enjoy the drama that each person is playing. Avoid feeling sorry for yourself, bitter about your bad luck, or envious of others.
Stick with thoughts and activities that feel good and watch your happiness index go up.

An excellent resource on building happiness is “Authentic Happiness,” by Dr. Martin Seligman. His web site,
http://www.authentichappiness.com/, offers many self assessment surveys.