Purposeful Growth

Forgiveness is not an act of charity to another, it is a
burden-lifting gift to yourself.

Someone did you wrong and you’re angry; you’re not just
angry, you’re plotting a way to get even.You can’t wait to see that so-and-so, and turn the tables on him.

Does this describes your present state of mind? My advice to you, assuming you prefer joy and happiness in your life, is to forgive. When we carry a grudge we carry a burden. When we plot revenge we re-live the perceived wrong over and over
again. If it didn’t feel good the first time, why subject
yourself to it over and over?

One reason to continue holding a grudge, plotting revenge,
and harboring anger and resentment might be for the sheer
“pleasure” of the conflict. Conflict is exciting. We may not
like to admit it, but doesn’t a street fight always attract a
crowd? Doesn’t a spirited disagreement between celebrity
spouses attract lots of attention?

Painful as it may be to face it, ask the question, “What do I
want, peace and calm or conflict and combat?”

If the answer is conflict and combat, stop reading this
article because it’s not what you’re after.

To achieve the peace and calm I now assume you desire since
you’re still reading, forgive the transgression that you’ve
been harboring. Give it up. It’s hurting you. Anger adversely
affects your body and mind. The object of your anger isn’t
affected at all. Carrying anger simply magnifies the original
transgression and extends it.

What does it mean to forgive? We usually think of
forgiveness as a generous act which pardons another person
for wrongdoing. In this context, forgiveness is directed
toward another, as in “I forgive you for saying hurtful
things to me yesterday.” The forgiver then feels magnanimous
having granted a pardon to the sinner. Often we forgive only
after the sinner has contritely apologized; sometimes we
forgive expecting the apology.

However, one meaning of forgive is to give up resentment or
claim to retaliation. In this context, forgiveness is not
about another person-it’s about us. When I realize that I
feel better when I give up anger and vengeful thinking
toward another, it makes sense that forgiveness is something
I give to myself, not something I grant to another. What
better gift might I give myself than peace, calm, and
serenity? We cannot simultaneously feel anger and peace. We
cannot be serene while planning revenge.

This definition of forgiveness-to give up resentment-gives
meaning to “turn the other cheek.” It’s not a passive
acceptance of more wrongdoing, it’s a turning away from the
event altogether. When we give up our resentment and anger,
we withdraw energy from the event-without energy, every
human act shrivels and dies. That’s the meaning of the
phrase, “what you resist, persists.”

When we forgive a perceived wrongdoing by giving up
resentment and anger, we withdraw our energy from the past
event and preclude a continuing sequence of revenge,
retribution, payback, and reprisal-we literally starve the
process before it escalates.

Forgiveness is more than a magnanimous act of charity.
Forgiveness is a gift to ourselves-a gift of peace, calm,
and serenity. Forgive and forget allows us to move on to
activities with positive potential-activities with the
possibility of joy.

Do something nice for yourself right now. Give up one
harbored anger or resentment you hold. Give it up. Just
visualize throwing it in the trash. Do it and notice how you
feel as the burden is lifted from your shoulders.

Related Articles:

Peaceful Mind: part attitude, part awareness, part acceptance

Put Down Your Baggage

Tranquility: A choice place to live

While writing a recent article for Suite101 about improving relationships in time for the upcoming  Holidays, I realized how important commitment is to relationships and specifically to my relationships. Commitment is a very powerful word. It indicates dedication, unquestioned intentions, and non-negotiable allegiance.

Commitment is even more powerful than belief. Belief may be a sponsor of my commitment, but belief is more cerebral, more intellectual, while commitment seems to cement my dedication.

I’m committed to my marriage. Acknowledging that my marriage relationship comes first helps me to prioritize, to separate the important from the urgent, as Steven Covey puts it. And to separate the more important from the less important.

For example: For many years, it was very important for me to be right. I became very good at making others wrong to preserve my need to be right. This need to be right both frustrated and angered my wife because my need to be right, and my much-practiced ability to argue my positions, had the end result of making her wrong.

Thankfully, she was committed to our marriage and worked patiently over the years  to convince me that I didn’t have to be right all the time to be loved. Finally, the light bulb came on and I realized that I was compensating for low self esteem by insisting on being right even when I wasn’t.

My commitment to our marriage allowed me to finally crack through this behavior of many years and accept the (many) times when I’m wrong. Now I have a mini-celebration when I find I’ve been wrong about something; not that it’s fun to be wrong, but it’s satisfying to know I can admit to it  without feeling I’ve failed in some way.

Reflection on marriage commitment leads me to think about the other commitments in my life. What am I committed to? A few weeks ago I wrote about the value of writing a “This I Believe” essay. Now I’m thinking a “To This I Commit” essay will be even more enlightening and important to my purposeful personal growth. So here’s a start:

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To This I Commit:

I commit to my loved ones that I am and will always be unconditionally loving of them. There is nothing that they will ever do that will cause me to withdraw or withhold my love. This includes unconditional love of myself.

I commit to continuous personal growth, to a journey of personal improvement in my humanity and to becoming the best human being that I can be.

I commit to my health and fitness and to recognizing and honoring my inherent wellness of mind, body, and soul. I feed all three the naturally occurring, healthful energies of good food, exercise, and positive-being, expecting to sustain wellness of mind, body, and soul right up to the instant of my death.

I commit to appreciate life, including each instant of my being. I view life as a journey that is both easy and adventurous, though filled at times with difficulty and sadness. Still, it is life and I commit to never take it for granted.

I commit to non-judgment of others. I accept the behaviors of others as the perfect results of who they are choosing to be, even though I might not choose their behaviors for my own and I might choose to remain apart from them.

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That felt good. Perhaps you’d like to write your own “To This I Commit” essay. If you choose to do so, send a copy to Jerry and I’ll combine submitted essays in a feature article with links back to your Blog.