When Losing is Winning
An oft-used quote drawn from the sporting world is “Winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing.” That may be true in professional sports, but it’s really bad advice when it comes to relationships—all relationships, at home, at work, and at play.
Is every discussion with your spouse a contest? Do you frequently take an opposing position in a debate with a rival at work? Do you need to win?
No matter the activity or environment, human relationships are extremely important to your success and happiness. Motivational speaker and author Jon Gordon observes, “To win in business, you must win with people. Running over people will only get you so far.”
Marshall Goldsmith, executive coach, author, and motivational speaker calls the need to win the number one interpersonal behavior flaw likely to limit a CEO’s success. You may not be the CEO of a big corporation, but you’re probably influential in your family, among your friends, and in your community. The interpersonal flaws that limit CEO’s success will limit your success too.
There’s another saying that applies here, “To win at the game of love, don’t keep score.” You might want to substitute life for love, and practice giving more than you take in all of life’s relationships.
Winning at All Costs Self-Test
Here’s a little test you can take to see if winning at all costs is actually costing you.
- Do people often roll their eyes and concede to your opinion?
- Do people involved in a hearty discussion suddenly fall silent when you arrive on the scene?
- Do people avoid volunteering solutions to problems in your presence?
- Have you ever been accused of always being right?
If you answered yes to all or most of these, it’s time for a bit of self reflection. Do you really need to be right all the time to be accepted, loved, and valued? Perfectionism carries a very high price, not only in relationships, but in a person’s happiness and state of self-esteem.
In coaching CEO’s to improve their relationship skills, Goldsmith offers these suggestions. They’re valid for all of us.
- Reflect on what it’s costing you to be right all the time.
- Decide to change. It is a decision and should be clearly arrived at by thoughtful reflection.
- Apologize to those you’ve affected, acknowledging that you’ve been hurtful and disrespectful of their opinions.
- Enlist their support and ask them for suggestions that will help you change.
- Be aware of your need to win during discussions, and
- Enlist someone’s assistance to call it to your attention.
- Measure your progress by asking others if you’re progressing and by watching for signs in their reactions.
- Celebrate being wrong, even if only to yourself.
Improving Relationships
Improving relationships is not only a key to workplace success and harmony in the home, it’s a key to happiness, too. More on improving relationships.
