Purposeful Growth

Alfie Kohn is not afraid to take on commonly-held beliefs and dash our reliance on them with research-based conclusions. An earlier book, No Contest, pointed out that our Western culture encouraging competition in nearly all facets of our lives fails to deliver on the widely held belief that competition increases productivity, creativity, and achievement. Now Kohn takes on widely held attitudes about parenting, and offers research to suggest our popular child-raising strategies are faulty.

Unconditional Parenting, a book review

Alfie Kohn’s latest book, Unconditional Parenting is a must read for parents, grandparents, those aspiring to parenthood, and anyone entrusted with child care. Unlike most books on how to raise children, Kohn’s conclusions on what works and what doesn’t are based on research—he cites more than 30 pages of notes and references for his conclusions.

Kohn claims that prevailing child-raising strategies based on controlling behavior do not work in the long run. Controlling behavior covers the full gamut from spanking to rewarding, which may surprise many parents used to the practice of catching their child doing something good and then gushing praise. Time-outs, another recent favorite, are similarly discouraged as is the more traditional verbal and physical punishment. All these controlling methods either withhold love or imply that love may be withheld. Kohn points out, with a humorous and easy-to-read style, that focusing on behavior control implies conditional love to the child, regardless of parental intent.

Any strategy based on controlling behavior without understanding or acknowledging underlying causes is probably at odds with what most parents hope will be the adult version of their child.

If independent thinking, curiosity, self-confidence, and moral values are your long term goals for your child, consider that these traits must be modeled, taught, and nurtured during childhood to develop in adulthood. Tightly controlled behavior, commands without explanation (because I’m the father, that’s why!), and the implication that love must be earned by “proper” behavior teach dependence, manipulative behavior, and control of others. Hardly the skill set we desire for our soon-to-be-adults.

Unconditional parenting is simply unconditional love, focused on the parent/child relationship. All the reasons you and I want to be loved unconditionally are important to our children too. They want to feel loved because of who they are, not because of what they do or do not do. They, too, want to feel self worth, enjoy the freedom to express who they are, have the opportunity to explore and grow, and enjoy the simple process of living.

What does Kohn advise? Listen to your child. Listen carefully and generously. Put yourself in your child’s position. See the circumstances and events of each interaction from your child’s perspective. Yes, there will be times when the child’s safety demands a firm declaration of behavior. When that is appropriate, explain it. But don’t overuse it. Seeing the world from your child’s perspective takes more time, and will take some practice if, like many of us, your parenting has been based largely on reward and punishment.

The next time you feel yourself on the verge of declaring or demanding a behavior for your child, consider how to do so while teaching and modeling the long term values you desire for him or her. “Do it or else” may be the fastest way to convey what you want, but what is it teaching?

Jerry