Purposeful Growth

People can be annoying. Some talk too loud. Others won’t talk at all. Perhaps they interrupt your witty story with a story of their own or insist on taking cell phone calls in the middle of your heart-wrenching re-enactment of a spouse’s latest misadventure. Being with whiners is never any fun, nor is sympathizing with someone who’s always the victim of the mysterious “they.”

When these folks are casual co-workers, distant relatives, or neighbors on the next block it’s easy enough to just stay away—problem solved. But how about when close family members are the offenders? Separation isn’t always easy or feasible. You’d like to improve the relationship. So now what can you do?

Bad Habit Self Reflection

Before feeling too superior in rendering judgment of others, face the fact that everyone has mannerisms, habits, and ways of behaving that can be annoying to other people. In fact, it’s often true that the mannerisms of others that are most annoying are our own mannerisms that we dislike about ourselves. Seeing others display these same behaviors triggers anger, but instead of being self-directed, we target the anger to another person.

• The next time you find yourself becoming annoyed or downright angry at someone’s behavior, ask yourself why this angers you so. Is it because you, too, have this habit and dislike it or refuse to face it?

Good Habit, Bad Habit

Many times a good characteristic—a personal strength—becomes annoying to others if it’s too intense. The strength of perseverance can easily become the annoyance of stubbornness. The positive traits of leadership and decisiveness can come across as pushiness and taking-over. Calmness in the face of crisis can be perceived as aloofness, coldness, and lack of caring. Before writing off someone as too stubborn, too pushy, or uncaring, reflect on the person’s positive demonstrations of these traits and give them a bit of slack.

Improving Relationships

The annoying behaviors of whiners and perennial victims is another matter altogether. Bad things happen to everyone, but some people are more comfortable assigning the causes of their negative experiences to someone else—all the time. Sure, sometimes a negative event seems totally random and out of our control, but whether we caused it, attracted it, or happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, whining and ruminating behaviors do not lead to solutions.

• If you can’t avoid the whining relative, co-worker, or – God forbid – the boss, listen for a bit and then ask this question: “Well, what can you do now, what options do you have?”

Sometimes this can re-direct the person toward solution-oriented thinking, always a more positive and energizing experience. But if the person insists on the energy-sapping behavior of the hapless victim, it’s time to excuse yourself for that important call you need to make or the task you just remembered that must be addressed immediately.
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