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Self Talk and Fear

May 112006

If you’re wondering how large a factor fear is in your life, listen to your self talk. Listen to what you’re saying to yourself, especially when you make decisions. Do you hear fear-based internal talk such as, “Don’t be stupid, that may be a good idea, but it will cost too much to bring it to market,” or “You don’t have the credentials to do that, you didn’t even finish college.”

If you have a whole desk drawer full of ideas you’ve had but haven’t followed through on, you’ve probably been blocked by fears such as these. It’s either too expensive, too risky, or not the right time. Listen to your self talk. You may be surprised at how often it’s fear based.

Overcome Your Fears

Beliefs, Fear No Responses »

Apr 292006

I’m introducing something new in May, a monthly group coaching meeting on important topics with a new topic each month.

May’s topic is Overcome Fear. Fear plays a dominant role in our lives. Though it does serve to keep us safe, because of the prevalent use of fear in parenting, marketing, religion, employment, and politics, I find that fear limits personal growth and development for many people.

Have you ever been excited about some new opportunity, but failed to follow through on it after someone, maybe even your internal-someone, reminded you that you could fail, you could be rejected, you aren’t qualified, or you’ve failed at other ventures? Most of us have had this experience; fear limited our willingness to extend and grow.

Join us on May 18 at 7 pm ET and learn to distinguish between useful fear and growth-limiting fear. We’ll provide you with some tools and ideas to put fear in its rightful place. Click here for more information and to register.

Author Suggests Making Heroes of Peacemakers

Fear No Responses »

Oct 232005

Author Lisa Earle McLeod, in an article published last month by the Gwinnett (Ga.) Daily Post opens with “We women have entered into an unspoken, but very well-known and completely dysfunctional conspiracy with our own men. We want them to be big strong heroes, yet we criticize them when they resort to violence.” McLeod goes on to say “We could decide that peace was sexy,” and “If we decided to rewrite the job description of a hero, the world would change overnight.”

Peace is sexy. What a novel idea. Ms. McLeod graciously consented to this interview.

Living Peace: In your column, you imply that women’s expectations of their men are a source of men’s violent behaviors, ultimately a source of war. Please amplify that thought.

McLeod: Women underestimate the influence they have over the men they love. Most men, in their hearts, truly want to please the women they love. There’s something very exciting to a woman about a man’s strength. When a woman has children it puts you in a very vulnerable position, physically and economically. I think women are wired to know that the big, strong man will be the protector. But if we start thinking about what will really keep us and our children safe, we’re going to have to refine that view to include intellectual strength.

Living Peace: In your column, you indicate that if women decided that peace was sexy it could change the course of history. Can you describe how you see peace being sexy and how you would convey that to men?

McLeod: I spoke at the September Department of Peace Conference and I spoke about making peace sexy, and that was really fun. Women know how to drop hints about what they want. If women would have conversations with their men that say, “Can you imagine how excited we women would be if you men figured out a way to quit killing each other? You want to be my hero? You want to sweep me off my feet? It would really make you my hero if we could create a generation that thought war was insane.”

Living Peace: What reactions have you received to your column?

McLeod: For the most part I’ve had very positive reactions, because I come from a position that is very supportive of the military. I come from a long line of military men. People can hear the support I have for the military. Being a peace activist is very different from being an anti-war activist. As I talk to people about the Department of Peace they get very excited. The strong reactions I get are from people who believe peace activism equates to anti-war activism. Many people believe that force is the only solution. It saddens me to think they believe there is only one option to dealing with evil. In no way does making peacemakers heroes diminish the value of the military. We need both, not either one or the other.

Living Peace: What advice would you like to give to Laura Bush?

McLeod: A president’s spouse has one important job and that is to support their spouse in being the best president they can. A female spouse plays an incredibly important role in communicating a mother’s point of view. If I were to have a conversation with Laura Bush, one of the things I would want to ask her is how she is supporting her husband in helping him learn to protect every mother’s child. If Laura Bush said to her husband, “You know what my idea of a hero would be? It would be the man who could create peace.” All we have to do is start, and that’s what Laura Bush could tell her husband, “I would like you to become a hero by starting.”

Living Peace: What advice might you give to Living Peace members who want to create a peaceful environment in their homes and relationships?

McLeod: If you do nothing else but simply have a discussion with the men in your life about what a hero would look like to you. And with stars in your eyes say, “My kind of hero is the man who figures out a way for us to keep from killing each other.” If every woman in America did that it would change overnight.

Lisa McLeod is a nationally recognized speaker and the author of Forget Perfect: Finding Joy, Meaning, and Satisfaction in the Life You’ve Already Got. Her web site is www.ForgetPerfect.com.

For a fascinating look at an eleven year old girl’s view of war, go to http://www.forgetperfect.com/columns/04_dec_24.htm. From the mouths of babes…

For the complete issue of the latest Living Peace newsletter go to http://LivingPeace.YourCoachtoSuccess.com

Peace and Anger

Fear, Peacefulness, Tools 1 Response »

Jun 192005

Does living peacefully mean I can never be angry? If I become angry have I failed to be peaceful?
Anger is a human emotion. Peace is a state of being. They are not mutually exclusive. I can live peacefully, even when the emotion of anger overtakes me if I resolve my anger without harm to another.

Anger is always about me, not the other person. I may blame another for my anger, but that blame is misplaced. Anger is mine. It is my choice, though perhaps a subconscious choice, to become angry in response to another’s words or actions.

Yoda, the wise Jedi of Star Wars said it best, “Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.” Fear leads to anger, so anger is always fear based. When I recognize and acknowledge that my anger results from something I fear, I find the anger diminishes significantly. The energy of anger and the fear that sponsored it diminish markedly with the simple acknowledging statement, “I’m angry because I’m afraid that…”

Living peacefully doesn’t require that I never become angry. It merely requires that I handle my anger as my anger, not someone else’s responsibility. This is not always easy. But it’s always appropriate. The next time you find yourself becoming angry, take a few seconds to reflect on what you may be fearing. Then acknowledge the fear and watch your anger diminish.

The next time someone becomes angry in your presence, see if you can discern the fear that feeds their anger. Helping them see and acknowledge this fear will diffuse the anger and let them know you hear.

Jerry

Communicating

Fear, Personal Development, Spiritual No Responses »

Aug 082004

Do you ever notice the difference in how you feel when you: 1) make friendly small talk with an acquaintance, 2) have a lively two-way conversation with a friend, or 3) bare your soul with someone you trust?

For me, friendly small talk is pleasant and may even be cheery, but usually lacks deeper feelings of human satisfaction. The sense I get from friendly small talk is that I’ve skated the surface of the waters of humanity, perhaps even stuck in one toe.

A lively two way conversation, for me, is more stimulating and energizing. I may learn something from this communication, or may convey something that another didn’t know. While energizing, this level of communication is still shallow, more like sticking my feet in the water and kicking a few times.

But for real satisfaction, nothing beats the conversations that are soul to soul. When I discuss something that really means something to me–how I feel about something of importance, what I believe in, what has happened to me and how I felt about it–these experiences where I open my shields and expose the vulnerability of my fears and joys, these are like diving in and swimming underwater. This is when I really experience the depth of human emotion.

Though sometimes scary, soul baring communication is so satisfying, so calming, so loving, as to make the risk worthwhile. The older I get, the more willing I am to take the risk of vulnerability.

Fear in the Workplace: The Bullying Boss

Fear No Responses »

Jun 222004

The New York Times > Health > Mental Health & Behavior > Fear in the Workplace: The Bullying Boss

This interesting article in the New York Times, about bullying bosses got me to thinking about my bosses over the years. I vividly recall one boss, Gordon, who was an aggressive and volatile bully. I can still recall watching him publicly dress down an employee; this brutal display of power and lack of respect for another still sticks with me as a vivid and distasteful image–after more than forty years! We worked hard for Gordon out of fear for similar treatment. But I wouldn’t say we were as productive as we could be. We worked to stay out of trouble, not to do well for our customers. There’s a big difference.

I can also recall working for more passive bullies, such as Bob. Bob was smart, had a compassionate streak, but could cut you to ribbons with his words. I think he always meant well, for he sincerely believed in the business we were in. But he could be a terror, too. I recall one time, a few of us played a small practical joke on him; we shifted his desk drawers around while he was away, even moving some to the back of our work area. He didn’t say a word when he discovered it, just went around picking up and putting things together again. He emitted a powerful, though silent anger which stifled any humor we anticipated from our joke. We worked hard to please Bob. He didn’t grant praise often, so his praise was unusual and treasured.

I’ve also worked for benevolent bosses, those who you just knew would be supportive of you no matter what you did. For these bosses, I worked more creatively and fearlessly. I took more chances and stretched much farther because I didn’t fear making a mistake.

The Times article indicates research, surprisingly, found that employees were nearly as productive for bullying bosses as supportive bosses. I find that hard to believe based on my personal experiences.

I’m interested in your experiences with bullying bosses.

Jerry